Club Theory

I can remember years ago when our first baby was just a few months old. We’d trickled into church late (again) and while Mary was embarrassed, I had the sense that because we had a baby, it was harder for us to get ready in the morning than the rest of the parishioners. We settled into our seats just as the sacrament hymn was beginning right behind a family with five kids. . . five kids. Apparently they were on time. Hmmm.

Quick check of the ages revealed that they had a baby just older than ours. In addition to the baby (which everyone knows makes getting ready for church impossible) they also had nearly all the pegs on the child gambit from early YM organization to nursery eligible. This bothered me significantly. I knew the struggles we had Sunday morning. We weren’t used to getting the diaper bag ready, and we had to account for every possible church disaster. Hungry? Check! Bad diaper? Check! Bad diaper that creates the need for an entire outfit change? Check! Hungry for a second time after the first time? Check! Binky hits the floor becoming unsanitary? Check! Second binky hits the floor becoming unsanitary? Check and Check! Cute plastic case for diaper wipes doesn’t quite seal leaving you with nothing but dried useless wipes? Check! Fiery diaper rash attacks baby’s bottom? Check!

There is no conceivable disaster (except the one that is going to happen) that we would be unprepared for during the three-hour block. And every week we learned a new disaster necessitating contingency planning the following week.

As this situation weighed on me as we had more children, I’ve come up with a theory to explain why it is harder for the family with one baby to get to church on time than the family with five children – I call it the club theory.

Club theory begins with the idea that we all occupy different stations in life that necessitate different values. People who are dating are much more concerned with hair care products than they are with which diaper rash ointment works the best. People with baby number 1 are weighing those about the same. People on kid three have given up on hair care and already know which diaper ointment works the best.

Club theory further postulates that you cannot have fulfilling, meaningful associations with people more than one club away from yourself. This doesn’t mean you can’t have engaging conversation or good relationships with these people. It simply means that as your norms change due to your club status, those in different clubs have a harder time relating to you and vice verse.

Let’s begin with the first adult club to keep things simple.

Singles Club

The singles club is the only club which has a significant number of its members actively trying to escape with the full support of the ecclesiastical leadership. There is pressure on this club which is unfortunate, because this club is all about the show and you never get a club like this again. Every public outing brings pressure to pick the right clothes, say the right things, tell the right jokes, and wear the right perfume/cologne.

This club’s members have the largest social circle of people that are non-relatives. Meaningful friendships and associations are made here which unfortunately will soon be left behind. There is some resentment when club members move on leaving clubmates. There is also a code of chivalry regarding abandoning members of your own gender to enjoy the company of someone of the opposite gender. The longer you spend in this club, the goonier your clubmates appear to you. I don’t think they really are goonier; they just seem that way.

Exclusive Dating Club

The exclusive daters can still maintain relationships with their single friends, but the relationship will begin to strain. Exclusive daters need to “report” to their significant other daily to inform him/her of all of the important events of the day. While real-time geocoordination is not yet required, it becomes more and more desired as you move into the next club . . .

Engaged Club

This club is found to be the most exciting and nauseating to single club associates. There is an exciting newness to use the word “fiancé.” That newness quickly sours to single friends. Even the exclusive daters will eventually find you nauseating. Sorry – the reason for short engagements is mostly because if you prolong this, everyone will hate you. Real-time geocoordination and reporting is required and if there is any type of break-down in the reporting system, apologies with flowers may be compulsory. The best thing about this club is this is the last time that the masculine member will pretend to be interested in wedding colors, and it’s the last time that the feminine member will feign interest through the first quarter of a football game.

Newlywed Club

We’re going to try to keep this family friendly – this club doesn’t get out much. Single friends are left waaaay behind on this one, because most of the time you can’t afford to do anything with them. Singles don’t want to hear how excited you are that this is a “three-check month.” They wonder aloud what a three-check month is. Signing up for a ball-room dance class or fencing has suddenly lost all appeal as Newlyweds reevaluate priorities in educational decisions. This makes them no-fun for others. Sorry newlyweds – you can’t enjoy the company of the exclusive daters or singles until they advance clubs. If it makes you feel better, you’ll be a wise old sage when they advance clubs because you are probably moving towards the . . .

One Kid Club

I looooooove this club. You get to say ridiculous things that sound so sensible and informed to the single friends you have left. It’s the multiple-children club members who share pursed-lipped grins and winks when you talk. Everything is soooooo hard, and this baby never sleeps, and this baby wants to eat every hour, and this baby has colic, and jaundice, and allergies, and the worst diaper rash you’ve ever seen.

This is the time when you and your loved one get to just stand at the end of the crib and watch your baby breathe for hour after precious hour. You never have time to do this again. Embrace the neurosis of this club. Watch that baby swing in the rocker; hang on every babbling noise; treasure every monument of growing progress. You will know at any minute exactly how many months old your baby is, how many words s/he knows, how old to the hour s/he was when s/he: rolled over, crawled, walked, said his/her first word, and every other sweet little thing.

The binky hitting the floor initiates a full-scale sterilization of every household item. The next club members just let the dog lick the binky and consider it clean.

You will never enjoy a restaurant because you can’t figure out where to put the car seat. If you put it on the floor, there might be a low draft in the room and really how does that look putting a baby on the floor. If you put it on the table, the baby might get knocked off. I could wake him/her up, but then s/he’s going to be cranky because it is nap time.

You will never be on time to anything again. Abandon all hope now. No one can possibly know how difficult it is trying to get to the store, or go to a movie, or go into the DMV to register your car, or even try to do the do-it-yourself carwash. No one can understand this except the . . .

Multiple Child Club

There is significant debate as to the breakdowns in this club. I know from my experience going from one to two kids was significant, and it is really hard in some aspects going from more kids than hands available to keep them out of traffic. Each addition reduces the amount of adjustment while exponentiating the volume level of the home. As kids begin passage into their own developmental clubs, the club dynamic shifts uncontrollably. Whether this is one club with subsets or multiple distinct clubs, the constant is there is a significant amount of nostalgia for the clubs of days gone by. As you sit and watch kid 1 poke kid 4 during sacrament meeting, you tend to remember how “hard” it was when you poked kid 1 so you could take him out into the foyer during sacrament meeting to watch him do stuff.

Postlude

I’m sure you can find flaws in my Club Theory. As I’m sure there are many more clubs for me to experience, I believe that my ideas will still shift significantly. I’m also sure that those in the grandparent club share pursed-lipped grins and winks with each other when they listen to those of us in my current club. I do know that every club has elements that are so delightful, that I feel bad to hear people long for the days when they can be in the next club. Enjoy your club – the next one comes soon enough already.